you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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