I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
