When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
