You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize