i'm signing you up for texting rehab
HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
