I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
