Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
