Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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