I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
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