we were pretty classy up until the second keg
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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