your parents love me but you hate me
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
