My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
