How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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