You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
