i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
