I'm sorry my penis didn't work
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Randomize
