whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
