Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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