I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
