You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
