I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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