tonight lets celebrate not being married
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
