Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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