Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
