the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
