I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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