dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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