his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
