Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
