she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
