beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
there is glitter all over my balls
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
