i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
