Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Randomize
