If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
