jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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