No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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