you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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