here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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