There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
