genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
