**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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