Pregnant stripper...not hot.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
