i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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