you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
