Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
