what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
We had sex on a dog bed..
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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