The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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