I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
