She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
