god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
