I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
